November 29, 2011

• Holding Back

  When I was younger, xanga used to be my outlet. Nothing was held back.

  If I felt like crap, I wrote about it. If I felt like a rainbow, I wrote about it.

  I wrote about the reasons why, the emotions felt, and how I dealt with it all. But now it's all different. Sometimes I'm afraid to share. I'm afraid to let it all out.

  But afraid of what?

  Who knows? Youth always seemed to bring with it naivety. I was more bold when I was young. Maybe it was because my pre-frontal cortex wasn't really formed, but thinking about consequences of an action were secondary at best. If I wrote something, I wrote it. Who cared what anyone else thought? Yet with age, forethought seems to block the spontaneity of the past. 

  Some recent events in my life have forced me to reevaluate a lot of things. One of those things is xanga. Xanga has really been a big part of my life for so long, and when I was true to it, it was true to me.

  I met some really fun people and a few friends I know I'll never forget. But this fear is stifling. In all honestly, what has really held me back were my real life friends. I dearly love all of them, but there are just a few things I don't want them to know. I've had to shut down previous xangas just because they found them. And this one is friend locked too.

  I never wanted it to be that way. 

  So I'll stop.

  This place, xanga, has always been a place of relief, and for the last few years it has been far from that. Dodging the wearing eyes of my real life, I tried to hide how I felt with colorful prose and vague descriptions. Although I do like writing that way, sometimes the straight truth is the best way to express something.

  Like now, this is how I feel, and from this point onward it'll be like that. 

  Life is such a mess right now and this is what I need. This is my little world where I don't have to be shy. This is the place where I can respond and be responded to.

  There are so many amazing people here and the fear of my real life cohorts finding this little world shouldn't stop me from writing. 

  It didn't before. It was actually the opposite. Only my real life friends were privy to my xanga. But sometimes you need someone to listen who stands apart from your real life. Someone with an unbiased view. Someone unadulterated by your past, who can truly listen without pretense.

  Xanga, and the people here, have always been that someone. 

  And I really need someone like that... more than ever. 

  • 3:09 am
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