December 23, 2011

  • Star Light

    I stared at it. It's light made me think. Of everything that had happened, and, more importantly, everything that hadn't happened. Another year alone.

    So stupid.

    Why was I even thinking these things? It's not like I haven't had this conversation with myself before. Still, it plagued me. The sense of stillness. Going nowhere. Nothing had changed. 

    What was wrong with me? Physically, I had not been alone. It was easy to obtain the warmth of another, and even easier to find myself regretting it all. But emotionally, it was difficult.

    In my darkest times, I had run to her. She was so sweet. Probably the sweetest girl in the world. But I was horrible to her. 

    I strung her along when I felt alone, and let her be when I didn't need her. I wanted to like her. I wanted to genuinely love her even. But it didn't happen, and even though I tried, I couldn't force myself to like her.

    But she was so sweet. 

    She listened to every word I said. She laughed at every joke I made. She smiled for no reason at all, except for just being with me.

    So I put an end to it. I knew I couldn't keep stringing her along. So I stopped talking to her. 

    And it was just another end to another sad story.

    Then there was her. She was provocative. She wanted it. And, at the moment, so did I. So we shared that warmth, and I regretted it immediately. 

    How far had I sunk? She had a boyfriend, and I hated cheating more than anything else in the world and there I was abating in the act. Not cheating on anyone, but helping someone cheat on another person in the worst possible way. 

    Haha, and I knew she would leave soon so it would be all inconsequential! She would go back to her country and I wouldn't feel any of the repercussions of our night alone. 

    Stupid, stupid, stupid.

    It made me wish I had stayed with the sweetest girl. At least she was pure enough to stop me from doing anything stupid. But this other girl was just so... I don't know. She caught me at the exact wrong time. When I was the most susceptible. 

    And all this, as I stared at the shining star hanging on the tree. 

    So many things had happened, and that was only the tip of it all. There were too many sad stories this year. 

    But what stuck out the most was what didn't happen: 

    I still hadn't found... her.

    No, I had found many other hers. 

    Her and her and her and her and then her,

    but never... her.

    And so I turned around disgusted with the light. It seemed to bring so much hope, but it only made my think of my shortcomings. 

    I walked to my car and drove off. Sad, angry, depressed. It was all so similar. This feeling. 

    Of being completely alone.