March 13, 2012

  • Why do you keep reminding me?

    Has it really been that long since something meaningful has happened?

    It has been a long time since I've been in anything serious. Yes, quite a long time. And even if that is the case, life still is sad in many unique ways. It isn't difficult, no, life isn't hard at the moment. 

    I don't have a hard life, but sometimes it feels hard to live.

    I'm not suicidal or anything. No, I will continue living because I love life, and these are the up and downs that come along with life. It seems like I've been in an awfully long down though. 

    Today's difficulty comes from my friends. 

    When everyone tells you that the girl you like is probably going to get with your friend, it's a unique kind of sadness. I've told them all that I don't like her, that I actually dislike her. But I know it's a lie.

    Still, they say all these things, and I agree quickly. They say they make a good match, and I concur with gusto.

    They would make a great match!

    And it all brings a unique feeling to my heart. 

    Anger covered with jealousy all soaked in a nice bath of self-loathing. 

    More simply, its a feeling of pain. 

    It hurts. 

    From all sides, I'm reminded of their impending relationship.

    And it hurts. 

    The last time I felt this way was... ah, it was so long ago. I had forgotten how it felt to feel this kind of pain.

    Visceral. Guttural. A primal kind of pain. It comes from inside and nowhere else. 

    The worst kind.

    What do I do now? Just live through it I guess.

    Today, I'll admit to myself another thing:

    I know what I want to do now. I know what I want to happen.

    If they get together, I don't want to hate it. I want to be happy for them. But more than anything, I want to find someone too. 

    I've told myself so many times just to leave it up to God and that his timing will be perfect, but it doesn't make waiting any easier. Especially when all this is happening. 

    I just want someone to talk to. Someone who will listen to me. Haha, I have many good friends and a few best friends, but it's all not the same. I couldn't talk to them about this. 

    I'll say it once, because I honestly never say it aloud. I paint the picture of contented singleness in my real life. Sure it'd be nice to have someone, but I'm fine being alone.

    Right? But here's the reality.

    I'll say it once, because I honestly never say it aloud.

    I want a girl to talk to. I want a girl who will listen. I want a girl who will be there for me when I need support because who wants to go through this life alone?

    There must be someone out there who feels the same way, because I know I'm ready to listen, to talk, to support in turn. Some people say, "If you can't take care of yourself, then you're not ready to be in a relationship." And I believe that's totally wrong.

    Can't two people lean on each other for support when the toughest times in life come barreling down? 

    "Man should not be alone."

    Guess what book that's from.

    Anyways, I guess I haven't really said it. What I want, what I think I need. So I'll pray to God again, the same prayer I've prayed since I looked up at the sky a kid. Back then I didn't fully know what I was asking, but I know now. At least to some extent.

    God... I want to find my soulmate

    .

    .

    .

    hahaha, how hopeless can I get?

Comments (3)

  • ^o^ I know this is weird but I'm here to talk to. I'm here to listen. I believe you stumbled on my page for a reason. We can lean on each other. I know I would really appreciate someone to talk to and listen to what i need to say too. But that's only if you would like that. Hah. 

    I know your feelings way too much when it comes to the friends liking each other. It's awful.
    But yeah... I'm here. If that... means anything. l;l'dkfl;dkf :3
    And I believe that verse is somewhere in Genesis, is it not? -Goes to look to for it-

  • @Th3LastUnicorn - ah, I really don't know what to say 

    honestly, that would mean the world to me. I don't think I stumbled across your page on accident either, so that makes two of us haha 

    but really, I don't know what to say...

    thanks? haha that seems too little, but thank you. seriously, thanks :]

    and it is from Genesis! from the good ol' book 

  • Although I think you are right in that two people should be able to lean on each other, I also think it's true that you need to take care of yourself before you can take care of others. If you are sick you can't take care of another sick person (I'm not saying you're sick.. Its just an analogy)

    The thing that I've learnt from experience is, you will really find love when you least expected it. That's what happened to me. I was ready, desperate, and yet nothing happened. And right after I said "meh, whatever, if I get it I'll get it and if I don't, I don't" people started getting interested. I think it's a confidence thing, people are attracted to you when you're confident. So don't worry too much and she'll actually come to you. Honestly.

    Meanwhile if you need someone to talk to it's doesn't have to be a girlfriend.. It could be your friend, your siblings, your family.. Or even strangers like us :)

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