March 15, 2012

  • Sleep Less Nights 2 - Mei Li

    There is a steady breath. It comes in, and it comes out, without ceasing. A single breath hasn't been skipped since that time.

    Even though I've gotten over it, there are always those hard nights. Am I just over romanticizing the past? I don't think so. I know what I felt, and I know how I feel. 

    I don't love you.

    Not in that way. If we found each other again, I don't believe we would get together. We are two different people now. How many years has it been since I last saw you face to face?

    Eight.

    Going on nine years. Wow. It's been a long time.

    I've only told one person our story. The full story. It's not an extravagant love story, but he seemed to understand. I don't think I've ever loved someone so purely. 

    I didn't love you for your looks. Or how you spoke. Or how you acted. 

    No, you were already far away before those things could even appeal to me. So far away. 

    But we made it work.

    I fell in love with you and you alone. I couldn't remember your face, or how your voice sounded. All we had were words typed on a screen. This was before the time of free nationwide calling or skype or even myspace. When two people needed to talk to each other from long distances all they had were words. Typed on a cold screen.

    Even then, when you typed those special words to me, I knew I would never forget them or that moment. 

    When I first heard your voice again over the phone, I couldn't describe the feeling I felt. We both knew this call was probably costing both of us 25 cents per minute, but for a few short moments we talked. Not with the frost of cold words typed on a computer screen but with the warmth and tone and depth of a human voice. That was another moment I'd never forget.

    Sifting through all these memories, there is only one more that truly stand outs. 

    The day I ended our dream.

    So it was over, and I don't think I truly got over you until four years later. I had dated other people, but as they say, you'll never forget your first love. And even if I don't love you any more, the evidence of it is still there.

    On these types of nights it all comes back. It's something I will never truly shake, and I've accepted that.

    I will never forget you, and these nights will always come but that doesn't mean I can't move on.

    I've already taken so many steps away from you, but that doesn't mean I'll ever walk far enough to where I can't see you. Just like the tallest building in this city, I will always be able to see you no matter how far I get. 

    It's not a sad thing. Those days were some of the best of my life and the reminder of those brilliant moments will stay with me forever.

    Still, I have to keep walking away from you because I can't keep staring at the past forever.

    But on nights like this, let me indulge just a bit. Let me turn around and look back. I'm sure you don't look back at all, but I know I do.

    I still look back at our first love and... I don't know. I feel a little regret. I feel a pang of longing. But I also feel happiness. It was a beautiful thing, what we had.

    But I don't love you. 

     

    Then again... maybe I always will. 

    yes... I think I always will