This time around it's a little different. So many things have been happening. I've haven't been updating recently for two reasons.

Reason one: I don't even know where to start.

Reason two: I'm a little ashamed. 

Of what, you ask? Well, that'll remain unsaid for now, but maybe this will all turn out for the better. I just don't know at the moment. This could all be a monumental mistake, or it could be the start of something... amazing. I still don't know. 

With school starting tomorrow though, it feels as if life is beginning again. Let me put it this way-- school = real life, summer = a dream. 

Summer has always been a sort of pause from everything real. And in real, I mean adult. As the end of my college career comes careening toward me, real life just begins to get more and more scary. 

So, real life begins tomorrow, and this summer will be just another dream. It was a nice dream though, but it was the realest one I've had so far. This summer has had more realness to it than the usual dreamlike quality it's had in the past. 

D, G, and George left. 

Jeff got engaged! (that's for another blogpost)

I had a summer like.

And I was kicked to the curb.

My post-collegiate career became blurry again as well as my relationship with God.

In summers past, the dreams were so much more fluffy. Hanging out every night, so many friends coming home from out of town-- not leaving --and just the atmosphere of it all... it really was like a dream. 

Maybe next summer won't be a dream at all, but maybe by then I'll be okay with that. 

School starts in less than 12 hours. I better go to bed soon. 

For some reason, the transition from 21 to 22 was a big one. 

There's something inherently young about 21 and somethiung inherently old about 22. 

At 21 you can finally drink, party, go to clubs, etc. without worrying about fake id's or getting caught by the cops or whatever. It all feels young, if that makes any sense, but once I turned 22 it all felt old. I've never been to a club, I've probably drunk alcohol a total of six times and I don't party at all. I guess I'm pretty straightedge. In any case, when you tell people you're 21 it brings about connotations of youth. 21 is a big milestone, that's for sure. 22 though... it just seems like the beginning of getting old. I mean, what other things are there to look forward to after 21? 

13 was cool because you're finally a teenager.

16 was cool because you finally could drive.

18 was cool because you could go the strip club and you were finally an "adult" (and buy cigarettes, but that's not cool at all).

and 21 was cool because of the drinking, clubbing stuff.

Then... what? I guess you can rent a car cheaper at 25, but big whoop right? 

So with the age 22, I felt a shift from young to old. From, "Whoa, you're 21! You can party and drink!" to "Oh, you're 22! You're old."

Does that make sense? It does to me. lol

But yeah, my 22nd birthday was okay. It started out like poo poo but ended nicely. 

I'm kinda lazy to recount the whole thing so I'm just going to do a good stuff list and a bad stuff list.

 

Bad stuff:

- she never texted back

- people kept singing happy birthday to me (it's nice and all but it stresses me out!)

- people kept asking me what I wanted to do later in the night when I didn't feel like doing anything

- the sushi restaurant we ended up going to sucked. But my friends like it so I guess it was alright 

Good junk:

- it was my birthday! duhh

- church was the same day, so yay!

- hearing Gilbert's testimony was really inspiring (lesson learned: be patient)

- I love my friends and family

- I got money 

- had some powerful prayer with Jeff at the end of the night

 

I also learned another important lesson. Never like a girl during your birthday. You'll either be really happy, or really sad.

I experienced the latter, but yeah, lesson learned! 

In the end, it was a birthday that started out bad but ended up good. On my list of best birthdays it'd probably be... next to last. But hey, it was still good. Just not as good as the others.

yo

"Why is this song in a minor key?"

Because God is not only in joy but in sadness. 

---

I started writing a long blog entry about how I met her and everything that happened, but I ended up erasing it. Even if I was able to write it all down perfectly, I don't think the message would get across. 

Let me just put it simply.

This past month and half has been crazy. 

I like you Lea, so much.

I prayed about it, so much.

I asked God in a way I haven't asked God for anything. 

What I prayed didn't just span the time of a month and a half, but years prior. It was a prayer that I kept as a child, hid as a teenager, and continue to put faith in as an adult.

For a second, I thought my prayers were finally being answered. For a brief moment in time, I thought the search was over. 

I don't think that's the case though. 

Lea, I like you.

Lea, I prayed. 

But you don't like me? I'm pretty sure of it now. Yes, you don't like me.

You don't need to say it. Sometimes you don't need to say it.

Where am I going with this dumb blog entry? Keep it simple. Simple.

I can't keep dragging myself along like this. I'm sorry God, but after another failure my faith is wavering. 

I'll tell you I like you and end this story. 

For I already know the words at the end of the story.

"I'm sorry, Jo. I don't like you."

The end.

And then she said the most insightful thing she's probably ever said to me.

"Jo, who else is there to wait for? Is there anyone better? No, right? Then it's simple. Wait."

She was right. There was no one better. But that sounds kinda wrong. Let me put it this way-- I haven't met someone as good as her in my entire life. I'm not exaggerating or over romanticizing her or anything like that. In all truth, I haven't met anyone, in my 22 years of life, better than her. She's just so... awesome.

If there was someone better, right here, right now, would I pursue it?

Maybe.

If she doesn't like me, then I'm not going to be so foolish as to let another opportunity pass me by, but I now know what I'm looking for in a girl. 

A girl who loves God. A girl who wants to glorify God. A girl who wants to glorify God together in a way we couldn't alone.

That's it.

Sure there are other things as well, but those are the only things that really matter.

And I haven't met anyone yet, other than you Lea, that fits all those things. The only thing missing is on your side. If you don't like me, that's okay. Really, that's okay. But until I meet another girl who fits those things, what else can I do?

You're the best gal I'ver ever met.

It's simple then.

I'll wait a bit longer.

I turned 22 yesterday.

It was a good birthday. 

I stared hard.

At nothing.

This morning, I decided to give up. That was a good month of trying.

I got to talk with her again, sooner than I expected, but it just wasn't there.

"What is love, if not from both sides? What is love, if not reciprocated?"

 

A tragedy.

 

I don't love her. I really like her, and maybe it could've become something more.

But it ends here.

One more step. I could feel the drop below my feet. If I took one more step, I would truly fall... and hit the ground very hard. Before that happened, I decided to walk away and give up. 

I'm not going to do this to myself. Not now. 

Lea, I'm giving up on you. I tried. I prayed. Oh, did I pray. But even though it's on my side, I don't think there's anything on yours.

I don't think you like me. 

I don't need to hear it.

I don't need you to say it.

I just know. I know.

It was fun. This month has been a lot of fun. 

I can't wait 'til the end of the summer. Sorry.

I don't think it would've mattered to you anyway.

 

Because I don't think... you like me.