So I was sitting down watching a podcast earlier today when the idea of having a girlfriend popped into my mind. Now to preface this whole rant, I have to admit that for most of my life I had been wholly obsessed with getting a long term girlfriend and doing all the lovey dovey things couples do. Like going on picnics, riding tandem bikes, going on road tips, etc. Anyways, it was just lately that I realized that I didn't really want a girlfriend at all. I had only fallen in love with the idea of having a girlfriend, but the reality of having one just terrified me.
The way I describe this fear to people is that I can't imagine myself having to talk to someone every day. Like having to call them, and listen to them, console them, and all that jazz. I just don't have the emotional stamina to keep up with all that. The last girlfriend I had lasted three days before I realized that I couldn't handle the emotional responsibility, and I broke up with her. It was the first time I had ever broke up with someone, and it was horrible, but that's for another blog post.
So yeah, I was thinking to myself today, "Hey, it'd be kinda nice to have a girlfriend." Then the fear started to kick in. It's almost like a mini panic attack. In my mind I'm imagining having a girlfriend and the first think that pops into my head is, "Oh frick, I have to interact with this person on an emotional level everyday from this day onward." And it just scared the crap out of me. I'm not sure when all this began because even after I came to this realization I still was capable of liking people. I've had quite a few crushes and the likes over the past few years, but visualizing in my mind's eye going out on dates or hanging out with a person constantly drains the energy out of me. Like it's a chore almost.
I don't know, it's just weird. I've had normal relationships before where I enjoyed talking to the person for hours a day, but I just can't see my self doing that now. I say this genuinely, but being single is great. Now, if Lea said she liked me instead of, "Brother, I'll pray for you!" I'm not sure how that would've gone. Honestly, I had already romanticized in my head webcamming long distance, sending each other video messages, and crap like that, but I wonder, in reality would I have actually enjoyed that? With my last technical girlfriend, we only went out on one date and talked for one hour a day, and I was already fatigued. She came as low maintenance as girlfriends come, and I couldn't even handle that.
I still don't know where I'm going with all this, but I guess I kinda want a girlfriend, then I think about it, and I realize that I definitely don't.
Terrifying.
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