July 17, 2012

  • Going all in, Putting it all out

    Is this a gamble?

    I think so. 

    I'm still praying about it. I'll continue to pray about it. But am I just fooling myself? I want this to work out so badly. 

    I've never dated someone who was my own religion. Maybe I rebelled against it before, but now, I'd love it. It would be so great. In the end, God is all that matters, and the fact that you love God so much makes me like you so much. I don't think I've ever dated someone who was so dedicated to God. No, all of my previous relationships were based on something less substantial. Things like physical attraction, youthful indiscretion, emotion or just nothing at all. But I want this is to work. 

    God, why would you give me these feelings if they didn't mean anything? 

    "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?"

    Am I listening to my heart? I don't believe so. I was careful about this. I talked to her. I got to know her. I was cautious. 

    Indifference turned into interest. And interest turned into like. Then like into prayer. And now prayer to this. A plea.

    God, if this isn't meant to be, then give me the strength to be okay with it. I do trust you. 

    But God, please, I like her so much. So, so much. I've never written a prayer out like this before, religion saturated blogs aren't really my thing, but writing this out just feels more direct, more deliberate. In any form, prayer is powerful, but I want this request to be heard loud and clear. Ellen White wrote that You care about the troubles of all Your children. No matter how trifling and small, or huge and impossible, she said to bring it all to You.

    Lord, please, I really like her. If she's not the one, then take away these feelings. If she's not the one that will bring me closer to You, then let it not happen. But Lord, please, let that not be the case. God, I like her so much.

    I don't want to hurt so much anymore. Just let it stop. Lord, please. Just... please. 

    I will trust You.

    Amen