September 19, 2012
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This is for you
I'm sorry.
I should have never started something I knew I could never finish. You have always been there for me, and this time I wanted to be there for you. I truly wanted this to work out.
But I can't.
I'm sorry.
I thought I liked you. I wanted to like you so, so much. But I couldn't. Maybe that's why I've been single for so long. I'm just not made to be in a relationship.
No, that's not entirely it... I tried to do this my way, not God's. After everything that happened with Lea, I got tired of waiting. My patience was gone, and I decided to take things into my own hands. I wanted a girlfriend for so long, but I always stopped myself. Even if I liked someone and someone liked me, I always measured it by Your standard.
Did she love God? How was her spiritual walk with You? Were we equally yoked?
All the times I liked someone, I believe You foiled my plans because You knew it wouldn't be the best for me. That girl wouldn't bring me closer to You.
But I got tried of it.
I wanted a girlfriend. I wanted someone. I was tired of waiting on Your time.
All in God's time. Right?
Well, I got impatient.
And this is what I get for my impatience. I not only messed myself up, I messed you up. I broke both of our hearts because of my indiscretion.
I'm sorry.
Forgive me Bell.
Forgive me God.
I'm sorry. I hope you find a guy better than me. Really, I hope you find someone who can make you the happiest girl in the world.
You are the nicest girl I know. When you said you'd always like me. When you said you'd wait no matter the amount of time.
It all broke my heart.
Bell, I'm so, so sorry.
God, I'm so, so sorry.
Now I know that my way isn't the right way. It was never the right way.
It's all in Your time. And now, I will have complete faith in it.
I'll wait for you.
Db
Comments (5)
If you are truly like your writings, I believe that any girl would be the luckiest to have you in their life.
@Th3LastUnicorn - aww... that really means a lot to me.
judging by both our blogs, it seems like we're both having a tough time with love, but i was reminded recently that being single isn't all that bad. right?
maybe i'm just deluding myself haha
@joooooooooooooo - Being single, for me, isn't bad at all when I'm busy and hard at working on myself. I don't want someone to come into my life with me being a mess at the moment. I want to be someone confident so I can be confident with them.
I don't think you are.
@Th3LastUnicorn - I'm constantly working on myself, and for the longest time I thought I really wasn't ready for a relationship. But after all this, I finally realized that God will lead me to the right person at the right time, and I just have to sit tight and wait. Of course, I have to continue working on myself, just like you said, but with a stronger patience and understanding that if I trust Him everything will turn out so much better than if I tried to match make myself.
In any case, from what I can ascertain, you don't seem like a mess. At least, not more than anyone else. I think we're all a mess in some area of our lives. ya'know
@joooooooooooooo - I completely agree with that. I think it's awesome that you think that way too. It saves a lot of energy than thinking you need someone when you don't. Haha, I've spent way too much energy on that.
We are all a mess! Haha.
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