Yesterday, I went hiking with the usual crew at Red Rock. I was also able to finally take my camera out on a hike and snap a few pictures. I've been on a lot of hikes, and one of the things I've always wanted to do is share the beauty of whatever hike we're on with those who couldn't join us that day. And I think I was finally able to do that yesterday. It's not a perfect picture, but I really think it captures what we saw that day. 

With the sun setting, I felt a sense of renewal. A lot has happened in the last two months, and now it seems like everything is settling down again. Life will be a bit different from now on but that's a good thing. Change is good sometimes. 

Anyways, it was an awesome hike, and I hope we'll be able to go on a lot more in the future. 

I'm going on five years since I last was a high schooler. That's really freaky to think about. Really, really freaky. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday I was 18 years old, throwing caution to the wind, using indiscretion like it was going out of style and just being all around obnoxious. Those were really great times, and even though my mind is probably over-romanticizing the past like it usually does, there is one thing that is crystal clear.

Back in high school, I had so many friends. I was in a program called IB. It was a pretty small group to begin with and there were maybe less than 80 kids by senior year. The thing is, I knew every single one of those people. First names, last names, general likes and dislikes, tendencies and vibes. We were all friends. Even with the stress of IB bearing down on us, we were still able to have so much fun. And maybe it was because of that stress we were able to grow closer to each other. 

I don't know... high school just seemed more conducive to a certain type of friendship. It's hard to explain. I remember logging into aim, and just chatting with maybe 8 or more people at once. I remember having a list of about a dozen friends I could just call up on the phone and have nice long conversation with.

College changed something. That list is probably down to 3 now, and no one uses aim or really chats anymore. Maybe facebook chat... but I never really used that like I did aim. It just seems like my circle of friends has gotten smaller and smaller throughout the years. This is in some part due to choice but not all of it. Some people I purposely isolated and others just disappeared. In the beginning of college I knew so many people, but then I decided to leave the world. I had my best friends, and I didn't need more. 

In a lot of ways, that was a good thing. I had a lot more time for me, which I had been sorely missing, and I was able to focus a bit more on school and God. But the cons were evident as well. I may have kept my best friends, but that was it. Now, I spend most of my days going to school, to work and to sleep. It's a weird existence. 

I'm starting to ramble now so I'll stop here. 

I guess I just wanted to say that I miss high school. All the friends, all the conversations, and all the stupidness. 

I miss being able to share my life with so many wonderful people at once. 

Yeah, I miss that the most. 

I'm sorry.

I should have never started something I knew I could never finish. You have always been there for me, and this time I wanted to be there for you. I truly wanted this to work out. 

But I can't.

I'm sorry.

I thought I liked you. I wanted to like you so, so much. But I couldn't. Maybe that's why I've been single for so long. I'm just not made to be in a relationship. 

No, that's not entirely it... I tried to do this my way, not God's. After everything that happened with Lea, I got tired of waiting. My patience was gone, and I decided to take things into my own hands. I wanted a girlfriend for so long, but I always stopped myself. Even if I liked someone and someone liked me, I always measured it by Your standard. 

Did she love God? How was her spiritual walk with You? Were we equally yoked?

All the times I liked someone, I believe You foiled my plans because You knew it wouldn't be the best for me. That girl wouldn't bring me closer to You.

But I got tried of it. 

I wanted a girlfriend. I wanted someone. I was tired of waiting on Your time. 

All in God's time. Right?

Well, I got impatient.

And this is what I get for my impatience. I not only messed myself up, I messed you up. I broke both of our hearts because of my indiscretion. 

I'm sorry. 

Forgive me Bell.

Forgive me God.

I'm sorry. I hope you find a guy better than me. Really, I hope you find someone who can make you the happiest girl in the world. 

You are the nicest girl I know. When you said you'd always like me. When you said you'd wait no matter the amount of time.

It all broke my heart. 

Bell, I'm so, so sorry. 

God, I'm so, so sorry.

Now I know that my way isn't the right way. It was never the right way. 

It's all in Your time. And now, I will have complete faith in it. 

I'll wait for you. 

Db

I got a girlfriend. 

Then for the first time in life, I broke up with someone. Seeing it from the other side, it's honestly so much more easier to be broken up with than the other way around.

Anyways, it's a long story.