So I went golfing today for the first time in three years. My hands are all messed up and I have two huge blisters on my thumbs, but nonetheless, it was fun! 

Other than that, I just got done with an ochem test, and after an all nighter, I'm ready to just kick back and relax this weekend. Well, at least until next week... then I have to start studying for finals! :[

So, I walked into my father's room to ask him a question about my car insurance but was sidetracked because of what I saw on his TV. 

"Dad, what are you watching?"

"MBC."

I sighed, "I know that, but what are you watching on MBC? ... Wait, I didn't even know we got MBC." I was getting sidetracked again. "Anyway, what were you watching?"

"Can You Hear My Heart. It's an asian drama."

HUH.

"Wait, Dad, you watch asian dramas?"

"Yeah. You don't remember Spring Waltz? Your mother and I watched that while you were in Costa Rica. I told you I liked that one a lot."

This wasn't making sense.

"Well, yeah, I remember that. But I thought that was like a one time thing."

"No way. These things are actually pretty interesting. Have you ever watched Boy's Over Flowers before?"

At that point my head pretty much exploded, and I went back into my room. 

I always thought me liking asian dramas was kinda abnormal, but I guess it runs in the family.

Weird.

I just need to invite her to play basketball.

Whats the problem? It's not like you've never talked to her before. ... So then why do these little things matter? 

Ahhh, erased text after erased text. It should be easy. Shouldn't it? 

"Hey, we're playing basketball tomorrow at around 4. You're welcome to come!" 

Wait.

That doesn't sound half-bad.

I must have texting block or something. Because when my thumbs hit that keyboard, my mind goes blank. I wonder why I couldn't think of that earlier. Oh well, I guess I'll text it to her now.

But what if it's too early. Last time we didn't invite her until a few hours before. Does it matter? It shouldn't matter... right? Am I being too presumptuous? What has happened to me?!

Why are you thinking so much?

If only it were that simple. 

Can't I just go up to you and say, "Let's skip all the crap. I really like you, and I want to get to know you better. Want to go on a date?" 

But no. No, it's not that simple. Maybe some guys can make that work, but I certainly can't. It's never that simple. Actually, it wasn't so hard before. If I could just that one moment with you, I know I could make it work. I'm not trying to be conceited, but I know that if I had one hour, not even that, maybe half an hour of alone time with you, I could make it work. 

It's just a feeling. You know, those feelings of assurance where you know you're right. If given the chance, you know it'd turn out the way it's supposed to. It's one of those feelings. 

But lately, those feelings have been failing me. 

Who knows, who knows.

It seems like a simple romance is just not possible. 

At least for me.

I just finished watching Code Geass, and I have to say, it was pretty amazing. After putting it on hold for a few years, I finally decided to rewatch and finish the whole thing. I only had about two episodes left when I put it on hold, but I had forgotten most of the story three years removed from watching the last episode, so I just decided to watch the whole thing again. 

But yeah, it was so amazing. It had everything. Comedy, action, suspense, romance, and drama. It was so great!

Whenever I finish such an epic anime, I have to blog about it just to get let some of my feelings out. 

Anyway, what struck me the most about this anime is it's exploration of happiness and the means in which people try to achieve that happiness. 

I believe that everyone in this world is searching for some sort of happiness. Heck, most of our actions are motivated by the pursuit of happiness. 

For example: Why do we go to school? To get an education. Why do we need this education? To get a degree. Why the degree? To get a job. Whats with the job? To earn money. Money for? Stuff. The purpose of this stuff?

To be happy.

In the end, it's all for happiness. Even if the method in obtaining this happiness is shallow indeed, it is still motivated by the pursuit of some sort of happiness. In this case, a happiness fueled by the possession of materialistic things. 

In Code Geass, a brother is motivated to create a world in which his blind, crippled sister can live happily. She wishes for a more gentle world, and he believes he can create this world. In the end, he fails to realize that her happiness comes from the simple fact that he is there with her. In fact, the happiness of many of the characters is based on simply spending time with friends. But this happiness is disrupted by the the cold world and it's realities. Not everyone in the world is happy, and the world we live in is not, in fact, a gentle place. Nonetheless, I can agree that the greatest happiness comes in very simple packaging. Although this may be the case, this simple happiness has a high cost. We usually are oblivious of the happiness we hold now, because of our shortsightedness and our inability to see that the greater happiness we are seeking is not greater than the happiness we can posses now. 

That probably doesn't make any sense. To put it more plainly, sometimes we get so caught up in our daily lives that we fail to experience the happiness we have now. For so many years, I have been working towards a job that could make me rich. I wanted to be rich to buy nice things. And I believed those nice things would make me happy. Yet, I realized many years ago that things cannot make you happy. Real happiness cannot be bought, no matter how corny that sounds. 

Code Geass shows a sister who couldn't be happier if she only had her brother around. He believed a greater happiness was to be found in the creation of a world where his sister could live more peacefully, but he was wrong. She only needed her brother and her happiness was complete. 

I wonder how different the lives of all the characters would have been if he would just realized this simple fact. Instead of struggling endlessly to change the world, he could've obtained... something much different.

Happiness, I believe.

Lately, I've been uploading songs onto my mother's new ipod shuffle.

I told her to write a list of some of her favorite songs and artists so I could go download them for her. Looking through the list she gave me, I saw some of my old favorites. My ipod is pretty saturated in kpop-ness (which isn't a bad thing), so I haven't heard some of those songs in years. In my opinion, almost nothing can beat out the oldies. Sure, there are a bunch catchy tunes on the radio and they have a lot repetitive lyrics that can get stuck in your head, but I'm also sure that I won't remember any of those catchy tunes and repetitive lyrics a few years from now. The oldies have been loved for decades and will probably be loved forever. And when I say oldies, I mean old. Like my parents old. Still, I can enjoy things from the new and the old and everything in between too! Here's a favorite from the old and from the new :] 

Another normal day has quietly passed by. Not that I'm complaining. 

I just got my ochem grade back, and, as expected, it wasn't all that good. Probably the worst grade I've ever gotten in my life, but it's a nice piece of motivation to get myself back into gear. Every time I look at it, I so angry that I want to start studying again. Honestly, I've always been able to study a very minimal amount and still do well, but it's a good thing to get a reminder that I'm not as smart as I think I am. I still need to study... somewhat. haha

Other than that depressing piece of news, today was really normal. Went to my class. Went to work. Came home a bit early. Studied a bit. And now I'm thinking about what book I should read. Hmm... decisions, decisions.

There really is nothing to blog about these days! I'm boring myself.

ochem test tomorrow and

I DON'T CARE

It's been years since I've felt this way.

Regret. I have so much regret.

I wish I had never fallen in love with you. Because of you, my life was changed. At first, I thought it was for the better. I thought that you showed me a place that only a few would ever get to see. A place where I felt needed. A place where I belonged. A place where I was loved. It was you that needed me. It was by your side where I belonged. And it was you that loved me.

Afterwards, I convinced myself that it was all worth it. Just being able to see that place once, was enough. 

It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved before. 

That's what THEY say. And for the longest time, I told myself that was the truth. Just for a moment in my life, I really did feel complete. Those were the happiest times of my life. Yet, the years afterward have only been filled with longing and regret.

There hasn't been a day that has passed where I haven't been searching for a replacement. It was like taking a drug. No. A better example would be like seeing paradise. 

Take a bird that's been caged their whole life. Hatched in captivity. But caged in a basement, darkness is all that it ever knew. Then one day, you let it free into the bright day above. For the first time in its life it knows light, to fly in the open sky, to know freedom. Instead, a moment later you net it and bring it back into the shadows of the basement inside its cage. At least before the light, it never knew the life of freedom. Now it knows that it will never attain it-- that is true cruelty.

And that was my life. 

Most people never get to experience love at such a young age, and it's probably better that way. In any case, your life will be changed, but there's not always a happy ending. 

For so long I have been searching for another person to fill what I had lost. I was hoping I could do the same for someone else too. But that person has never come, and I'm still living in darkness.

Things will never be as bright as those happy days I spent with you. My life isn't miserable. I can still smile, and I can still laugh. But my life will never be the same. 

Everything will always seem dark in comparison to those shining days.

It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved before. 

What a pack of lies.