I ate this at CPK with Randon and Bryan. It was nice to see them after a long time.
No pictures of the forth, but there was a barbecue, swimming and literature evangelists. Hopefully I'll see a certain one again. :]
Then I ate this with Jeff. It really hit me that everyone was pretty much gone when it was only us two there at Shuseki, but Jennifer was super nice and made everything a little bit better!
A nice summer ride in Shiela's neighborhood to top it all off.
Oh yeah, watched Jump Street 21! Funniest scene in the entire movie. If Jeff and G were cops, this would be them. lol
Maybe I'll less pictures, more words next time? haha
The last few years, people have been leaving. One after another, a lot of my close friends have been relocating and starting new lives elsewhere. Usually it's to find new job opportunities or to continue education, but in any case, it's very disorienting. It's not like high school where a bunch of people left all at once. You can prepare for that kind of thing because it's an inevitability, but now it's feels different.
When one of my good friends leaves, I can feel that our run as a group is starting to end. One of my friends calls this our Season 7, because shows usually start to tail off after seven seasons. Right now we're probably at Season 10, and the series finale is right around the corner.
Endre left first.
Then G.
Now George.
Then D will leave next month.
Followed by Jason.
Then me.
By February of next year, it will only be Jeff left, and the series will be over. Ever since Endre left, things have never been the same, but after this most recent departure by George, I can really feel the end coming.
People leaving really isn't the problem. I know they're still alive and happy. The hard thing to deal with is the fact that things will never, ever be the same again. We'll never get this ensemble of people together again under the same circumstances. It will never happen.
Because we hit Season 7 a long time ago, and our final episode is just around the corner.
I never really knew either of my grandmas, maternal or paternal. I've only met my maternal grandmother once, but I knew more about her from stories told by my mother than from anywhere else. In all honesty, I only know her in a secondhand kind of way. Yet blood runs deep. I still care for her. She is still my grandmother. I still know her no matter what way it's in.
But when I heard she was in the hospital, thousands of miles away, I didn't feel much. Some sadness, but not much. I'll keep it real-- I wasn't that sad at all. Yet again, through secondhand accounts, I heard how she was doing. I heard how the doctors were telling my uncle how she was going to die. I heard how she was defying the odds and doing well. She was talking, joking and generally strong. Then I heard how she was starting to get worse. How my family was arguing whether or not to keep her alive. I heard how a tube was shoved down her throat just to keep her alive. How her hands where tied down so she wouldn't rip it out. I heard it all.
Just how I had heard about my grandmother's life through my mother, I was hearing about her impending death from my mother.
And now is the first time I've felt such a deep sadness for my grandmother.
She has lived a hard life. A life so long, it would take many blog entries to recount, but from what I've learned, her entire life has been difficult. Then having to deal with this... I feel sadness for anyone who has to spend their last days in a hospital bed, machines keeping you alive in a place where the odors, sounds, and atmosphere burden you with a feeling of doom. I wonder what my grandmother is thinking while she lies in her bed. When she's lucid enough to think, what is she feeling?
I hope that she has made peace with God. I need to pray for her more often, but I don't. I need to. I will.
I hope that she can look back on her life and see that she did her best with her 10 children. Even if her husband was a scoundrel, even if her children didn't take care of her the best, she loved them with a perfect kind of love.
I hope she was can see that her life was worth it.
Maybe the picture I'm painting is too rosy to transpose onto reality, but I really hope my grandmother can find some sort of peace while she lies in her bed.
Even though I didn't really know her, I still care.
I have finals coming up and, like usual, I need to do well on them to get A's in most of my classes. Sucks! My only guaranteed A is Health Education. I still need to go to work this week since I missed Monday last week. Bills!
Either way, this probably isn't the worst finals week I've ever had to prepare for.
Internally, I laughed. Why now? Why at this time? I guess this was just how life worked.
Just when I had decided that love could not be part of the equation, when being in a relationship of any sort did not make any sense, this came along.
More accurately, she came along.
I liked her too, probably not as much as she liked me, but I still had some feelings for her. It was all moot though.
I was leaving at the end of the year. I would be gone for a year. So I made it clear to myself that nothing could happen. A relationship was not an option- it couldn't be.
I sat outside of Tea Station staring at the girl in front of me. The coolness and warmth of a summer night was a setting made for a moment like this. A moment where stirred emotions begin to swell and when feelings begin to melt. Still, I hesitated.
She had asked, "So, do you want a girlfriend?"
It was one of those short pauses where thought slows and the contemplations of a lifetime ebb in.
'No' would be my usual answer, but this time it was different. I had a new response; a response that was more appropriate.
"No, I'm emotionally unavailable."
We both chuckled at the seemingly innocent half-joke.
Yet, it was whole-true. Nothing about it was a joke.
For a while now, I've been some place else. Certainly not here.
---
Life has been normal as of late.
I know it's bad.
But why can't I keep myself from stringing you along?
There is a steady breath. It comes in, and it comes out, without ceasing. A single breath hasn't been skipped since that time.
Even though I've gotten over it, there are always those hard nights. Am I just over romanticizing the past? I don't think so. I know what I felt, and I know how I feel.
I don't love you.
Not in that way. If we found each other again, I don't believe we would get together. We are two different people now. How many years has it been since I last saw you face to face?
Eight.
Going on nine years. Wow. It's been a long time.
I've only told one person our story. The full story. It's not an extravagant love story, but he seemed to understand. I don't think I've ever loved someone so purely.
I didn't love you for your looks. Or how you spoke. Or how you acted.
No, you were already far away before those things could even appeal to me. So far away.
But we made it work.
I fell in love with you and you alone. I couldn't remember your face, or how your voice sounded. All we had were words typed on a screen. This was before the time of free nationwide calling or skype or even myspace. When two people needed to talk to each other from long distances all they had were words. Typed on a cold screen.
Even then, when you typed those special words to me, I knew I would never forget them or that moment.
When I first heard your voice again over the phone, I couldn't describe the feeling I felt. We both knew this call was probably costing both of us 25 cents per minute, but for a few short moments we talked. Not with the frost of cold words typed on a computer screen but with the warmth and tone and depth of a human voice. That was another moment I'd never forget.
Sifting through all these memories, there is only one more that truly stand outs.
The day I ended our dream.
So it was over, and I don't think I truly got over you until four years later. I had dated other people, but as they say, you'll never forget your first love. And even if I don't love you any more, the evidence of it is still there.
On these types of nights it all comes back. It's something I will never truly shake, and I've accepted that.
I will never forget you, and these nights will always come but that doesn't mean I can't move on.
I've already taken so many steps away from you, but that doesn't mean I'll ever walk far enough to where I can't see you. Just like the tallest building in this city, I will always be able to see you no matter how far I get.
It's not a sad thing. Those days were some of the best of my life and the reminder of those brilliant moments will stay with me forever.
Still, I have to keep walking away from you because I can't keep staring at the past forever.
But on nights like this, let me indulge just a bit. Let me turn around and look back. I'm sure you don't look back at all, but I know I do.
I still look back at our first love and... I don't know. I feel a little regret. I feel a pang of longing. But I also feel happiness. It was a beautiful thing, what we had.
Recent Comments