Has it really been that long since something meaningful has happened?

It has been a long time since I've been in anything serious. Yes, quite a long time. And even if that is the case, life still is sad in many unique ways. It isn't difficult, no, life isn't hard at the moment. 

I don't have a hard life, but sometimes it feels hard to live.

I'm not suicidal or anything. No, I will continue living because I love life, and these are the up and downs that come along with life. It seems like I've been in an awfully long down though. 

Today's difficulty comes from my friends. 

When everyone tells you that the girl you like is probably going to get with your friend, it's a unique kind of sadness. I've told them all that I don't like her, that I actually dislike her. But I know it's a lie.

Still, they say all these things, and I agree quickly. They say they make a good match, and I concur with gusto.

They would make a great match!

And it all brings a unique feeling to my heart. 

Anger covered with jealousy all soaked in a nice bath of self-loathing. 

More simply, its a feeling of pain. 

It hurts. 

From all sides, I'm reminded of their impending relationship.

And it hurts. 

The last time I felt this way was... ah, it was so long ago. I had forgotten how it felt to feel this kind of pain.

Visceral. Guttural. A primal kind of pain. It comes from inside and nowhere else. 

The worst kind.

What do I do now? Just live through it I guess.

Today, I'll admit to myself another thing:

I know what I want to do now. I know what I want to happen.

If they get together, I don't want to hate it. I want to be happy for them. But more than anything, I want to find someone too. 

I've told myself so many times just to leave it up to God and that his timing will be perfect, but it doesn't make waiting any easier. Especially when all this is happening. 

I just want someone to talk to. Someone who will listen to me. Haha, I have many good friends and a few best friends, but it's all not the same. I couldn't talk to them about this. 

I'll say it once, because I honestly never say it aloud. I paint the picture of contented singleness in my real life. Sure it'd be nice to have someone, but I'm fine being alone.

Right? But here's the reality.

I'll say it once, because I honestly never say it aloud.

I want a girl to talk to. I want a girl who will listen. I want a girl who will be there for me when I need support because who wants to go through this life alone?

There must be someone out there who feels the same way, because I know I'm ready to listen, to talk, to support in turn. Some people say, "If you can't take care of yourself, then you're not ready to be in a relationship." And I believe that's totally wrong.

Can't two people lean on each other for support when the toughest times in life come barreling down? 

"Man should not be alone."

Guess what book that's from.

Anyways, I guess I haven't really said it. What I want, what I think I need. So I'll pray to God again, the same prayer I've prayed since I looked up at the sky a kid. Back then I didn't fully know what I was asking, but I know now. At least to some extent.

God... I want to find my soulmate

.

.

.

hahaha, how hopeless can I get?

Sometimes I want to write.

I want to write so many things. I want to argue endlessly about politics, I want to wax philosophical, I want to create poems, I want to paint stories, I want to write about everything.

It never flows though. So many times I have stared at a blank blog page with so many things to say only to close the browser with nothing said at all. 

The only thing that comes easily is my anxieties. My worries come to my fingertips and to my keyboard as a bee to honey. It's all I can write about nowadays. Sometimes its tiring, looking at entry upon entry of angst and loneliness only to write another entry about the same exact things. 

But that's all that comes. Daily life is too boring to rant on about. I don't even want to hear myself talk about work or school. It's all so boring. 

The real turmoil of my life had ended for now, and I'm again faced with my old demons. Lately though, I've realized something important.

I'm scared. 

I'm scared to get close to anyone new. The friends I have I keep near to my heart, and those on the periphery stay there. I want them there, because it'd be awkward otherwise. 

And maybe that's my problem with blogging.

I still scared to let this place become something else than it has been for the last few years. A place where my lovelorn life comes to words. 

What was this place to me before?

When xanga was popular and my real life friends were on here, it was a place of socialization, just like facebook. Now what though?

My xanga is now a place visited by few, an island in the vast sea of other blogs. I like it that way, really I do, but what has this place become to me? Rather, what do I want it to be?

A dairy? A vent? A point of release? A place to make friends? 

This shouldn't be a difficult thing to decide but it is. 

For today, let me just talk about my anxieties once again. 

But today, I'll make it short. 

I'll make it very, very short.

Because I don't want to write another entry about my lovelorn life. So I'll limit it to a few sentences:

The thought of being with anyone scares me to death.

The thought of being in a relationship is terrifying.

Has it really been that long since something meaningful has happened?

/begin rant

If anything gets me angry, it's this.

I've never been rejected before. Never. 

And for my best friend no less. I mean, I can understand why you would choose him over me, he's a great guy, but I'm not that bad, am I?

I've never, ever been rejected before. And with no words nonetheless. Nothing had to be said. I just knew, everyone knew! You liked him. Even if you wouldn't say it, even if words were not said, it didn't matter.

Honestly, it makes me angry. I won't lie, it feels really bad. 

Am I really not good enough for you? Am I that bad?

I have never been rejected before. 

And maybe that's it? Is it my ego? Or maybe it's because of the situation. He is my best friend. I'll admit that. And I liked you, I'll admit that.

But only on here will I admit that I'm hurt. Knowing that you like him over me goes beyond my bruised ego. It goes beyond never being rejected. 

I liked you, I really did like you, and you chose him. 

He's a great guy, he really is, but if would've chose me... I think we could've made each other happy. 

Honestly. I believe that. 

To be frank, I'm starting to hate him. He's my best friend, but I hate him. 

Maybe I hate him because I know he could make you happy too. But that's different.

Is this how nice guys feel? I've never been accused of being a nice guy (and that's probably not a good thing) but I feel like I'm being passed up.

Because I am.

I'm being passed up even though I know it could work. 

I'll be real. You're only choosing him for shallow reasons. Am I being bitter? I don't think so. Honestly! I think you chose him because he fits your image of a your boyfriend should look like.

Sorry I'm not taller. Sorry I'm not more korean looking. Sorry I'm not good looking enough for you.

Well, it just comes down to one question really. One question really.

Why not me?

Why not me?

Why him?

/end rant

But, yeah, there's always that one missing part.

It was once there... yeah, it was once there, but now it's gone. And now it's been gone forever. Well, maybe not forever.

Yet, when time feels like forever, does it even matter? Forever is forever. Whether it feels like forever or it is forever; it's all the same.

It doesn't make the pain go away. It doesn't make the sorrow go away. It doesn't make the loneliness go away.

Ah, maybe I'm being melodramatic again, but isn't it what the world searches for? What countless poems wax on about? What countless songs muse about? What countless stories describe, attenuate and embellish. Yet, none of it holds a candle to the experience.

To be blunt, to be melodramatic, to be truthful: nothing is the same after it.

There is a reminder everyday, by its absence, at what was lost.

But what was lost?

Not everything. No, not everything was lost.

Life still moves on. Smiles still come. Happiness returns.

So then, what was lost?

...

Just love.

Yes.

Just love.

I love my friends, I love my family.

Why does it have to be romantic? There are many types of love.

Brotherly love. Platonic Love. Romantic Love.

I think having two of the three is great. :]

So, have a happy Valentine's Day!!!

Sometimes, I look around myself and stare at all the stuff I have.

A closet full of expensive clothes, hats that cost $30 a piece, and too many shoes than I know what to do with. 

Then I look at the thousands of dollars of electronic equipment that adorn my desks, walls, floor...

I walk around my house and take note of the nice rugs, ornamental elephants, and glittering chandeliers. 

Sitting in my car, I feel it's plush interior and smooth, unobstructed ride. 

I am by no means wealthy, but I look at all this stuff and still feel... sick.

What the heck am I doing? 

Surrounded by all this junk that cost countless thousands to afford while the world dies. 

Only through hyperbole was I reminded of the lavishness I live in, even if I am of only the middle class. 

I am by no means rich, but that's only relative. I am rich. I am gluttonously rich in fact.

And while the world dies, what do I do?

... nothing.

But I know what I will do: I will spend countless thousands on more stuff, on more junk, to line my walls, cover my body and make me "happy". 

Still, in the end, I feel so sick.

All these things don't make me sick. No, these material things can't make me sick.

I make myself sick.

At my inaction, and continued action.

It makes me so sick.

I know that many times in my life, I've wanted to live a fairy tale. I wanted to save a princess and slay a dragon. I wanted to rescue a damsel in distress. 

It's all a guy could ever ask for, to be someone's knight in shining armor. 

Yet it couldn't be more wrong to want any of those things.

Maybe its a guy thing, but I know a lot of males feel like they have to find someone that needs rescuing. A girl that needs to be protected and sheltered. And it seems that mass media likes to play up this very scenario even if it is fundamentally wrong. It's wrong on two levels even.

It's wrong in the sense that trying to find someone broken just so you can fix them is pretty messed up. Trying to be a knight in shining armor is basically that. 

At first thought, it doesn't seem wrong at all. To find someone that needs help and to help them, isn't that a good thing? 

In the simplest sense, yes, it is a good thing. But when it boils down to relationships it becomes wrong.

It becomes wrong because life doesn't work that way. Trying to find happiness in someone else's plight is not the right answer to anything.

In the end, it all comes down to this: everyone is broken.

We're all messed up in one way or another. 

We're all broken and real life is not a fairy tale. 

So, what does that all mean? Is life really that hopeless?

Well, no, it isn't.

Since we're all broken, the only thing we can do is help each other. 

Love and relationships aren't built because one person saves the other from their problems. No, those types of fairy tales couldn't be farther from the truth.

Love and relationships are built when two people realize that they want to be there for each other because we all have problems we need help with.

I need help as much as anyone else. 

So, I still want to be a prince and save a princess but...

I want my princess to save me too. 

Let me tell you one thing.

I don't care.

I don't care what color your eyes are or what shade of hair you have. I don't care how tall you are, how short you are, if your nose is pointy or if your nose is flat. I don't care if your hair is straight or curly, if you part it in the middle or to the side. I don't care.

I don't care if your teeth aren't blindingly white or if your shoes aren't sparkling new. I don't care if you have one of those rolling backpacks and not one from JanSport.  I don't care if you wear stuff you bought from Ross and not Ambercombie and Fitch. I don't even care if only wear Ambercombie and Fitch! Seriously, I don't care!

I don't care if your complexion is dark, light or any mix in between. I don't care if you have an accent, or if you spell Mom, Mum, or say out, oot. I don't care if your family is yellow, black, white, green, purple, whatever!  Just listen to me.

I. DON'T. CARE.

But let me tell you about the things I do care about.

I care about what's in that head of yours. I care about your thoughts about life and love. I care about your ideas about God and religion. I care about what you think about trying new things. I care about what you think about everything.  Do you understand? That's what I care about.

I care about what’s in that heart of yours. I care about how you feel about your family. I care about how you feel about your friends. I care about how you feel about the future. I care about how you feel about yourself. I care about how you feel about me.  That's what I care about.

I care about the you that nobody sees. I care about the you that's underneath all the clutter of appearance.  I care about the you on the inside and not the you on the outside.

I care about you.

I just care about you.

I have gone through a lot of xangas.

kamadaki

soysaucegod

hiroboi

But my favorite of them all was jooooooooooooo (with thirteen o's)

I forgot the password to that one so I changed this one to joooooooooooooo (with fourteen o's~!)

it's awesome.

right? ha-ha

Would you believe to be out there, some where in this world, a person who is 100% right for you?

And even if you did believe such a thing, how close have you come to that ideal?

Maybe you've met some 75% right for you or even 85% right.

But to find someone 100% right for you, now that's a feat.

If only you believed in such a thing.