I have purposed in my heart that I am going to buy a cat.

It's going to be awesome.

I don't feel like being ambiguous today. 

I feel like crap.

When did I become a jerk who leads girls on? 

I miss you Lea, but I'm going crazy. 

I'm doing things I'm starting to regret, but I don't regret liking you.

Can I wait three more weeks? What am I exactly waiting for. No, I know what I'm waiting for, I just don't know what to expect. No, I know what to expect, I just don't want to face it. 

You will finish your mission, go home, and nothing will happen. Pessimistic? Realistic.

I'm having a hard time recording anything now. 

Someone sing for me. 

I guess that's still a bit ambiguous. 

but not really

Without much fanfare, D left. 

Unlike George, we didn't spend the whole weekend together before he left. It was much more fleeting than that. 

We weren't able to hang out yesterday, or even today. He was too busy packing stuff and getting things in order to hang out, and I think he wanted it that way. D always said that he wanted to leave kicking up at little dust as possible. 

And he did just that.

A few words, a text, and he's gone. We didn't have a farewell dinner or a final hug and goodbye. Because of that, I think this goodbye is more sad than George's. With George there was more closure. D and me saw him off at the airport terminal, so I really got to soak in the moment. D's departure was much more abrupt. 

I thought we would have at least got to hang out with him today. But just like he wanted, there were no formal goodbyes or farewell hugs or any of that jazz. 

And it's that abruptness that hurts the most. I'm not mad for him for leaving like this, honestly it's the way I'd like to go when I leave for Korea, but it doesn't take away the emotions felt by such a departure.

The relationships that hurt the most, were the ones that seemed to be so great one day and then non-existant the next. The relationships without any closure, they are the hardest to forget. 

So D, even though you're gone and this end is a very open one, I'll take that as a positive. We need no closure because I'll see you soon enough. I see that now. 

Though you may be gone, it's all still the same. We're good friends and that isn't changing. The fun we had will still be there when we hang out again.

You're gone for now but here forever.

But how long?

Before you came, I was fine. Well, maybe not completely fine. But I was okay.

I was completely okay. This will pass. Either something will happen, or it won't. It has always been as simple as that, right? 

Before you came, I was fine, and after you leave, I'll be fine too. 

If you leave. 

Right now, I'm starting to give up. Are there too many things in the way? 

"Can you wait through the summer?"

Can I?

Less than a week, and I'm falling apart. But I'll be okay.

Right? 

"Yeah, I think so. I'm praying about it... I do like her a lot lol"

So I'll wait. For one summer. This summer, I'll wait for you. You are doing God's work. I understand that. 

But I'm starting to lose hope in this. 

Do you even like me? 

I'm not the type to usually cry when I watch a sad movie or something. I've teared up before, maybe a stray tear or two has left my eyes, but I've never bawled my eyes out over a movie. 

Except once.

It was like the perfect storm. I just came home from a really tiring week of school. It was finally Friday, and I remember just knocking out when I lay down on my bed. When I woke up, it was already past midnight, but I couldn't get back to sleep. I was still sleepy, but I couldn't close my eyes.

One of those kind of nights, ya'know?

I started watching, funnily enough, a movie called Sad Movie to try to get me to sleep. I borrowed it from my best friend at the time, Andre, and he said it was a real tear jerker.

And so I watched it. One hour and twenty minutes later the credits rolled, and I was bawling my eyes out. I was whimpering like a little baby, snot was getting everywhere, and my glasses were filled with tears. 

When people cry, I don't like it. It makes me feel uncomfortable. When a person really cries, they are so vulnerable. Everything is stripped away, and the only things that are left are water and emotion. Snot too. 

Still, in that moment of weakness, when everything was stripped away, I felt good. Refreshed. Through the tiredness and sleepiness, the tears felt rejuvenating. 

let me sleep. 

what do i say next?

"You know, i'm going to fine you. you know why? cuz your trespassing in my mind."

I don't know. What does that mean? Am I reading too much into this? 

I don't know. 

Is this a gamble?

I think so. 

I'm still praying about it. I'll continue to pray about it. But am I just fooling myself? I want this to work out so badly. 

I've never dated someone who was my own religion. Maybe I rebelled against it before, but now, I'd love it. It would be so great. In the end, God is all that matters, and the fact that you love God so much makes me like you so much. I don't think I've ever dated someone who was so dedicated to God. No, all of my previous relationships were based on something less substantial. Things like physical attraction, youthful indiscretion, emotion or just nothing at all. But I want this is to work. 

God, why would you give me these feelings if they didn't mean anything? 

"The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?"

Am I listening to my heart? I don't believe so. I was careful about this. I talked to her. I got to know her. I was cautious. 

Indifference turned into interest. And interest turned into like. Then like into prayer. And now prayer to this. A plea.

God, if this isn't meant to be, then give me the strength to be okay with it. I do trust you. 

But God, please, I like her so much. So, so much. I've never written a prayer out like this before, religion saturated blogs aren't really my thing, but writing this out just feels more direct, more deliberate. In any form, prayer is powerful, but I want this request to be heard loud and clear. Ellen White wrote that You care about the troubles of all Your children. No matter how trifling and small, or huge and impossible, she said to bring it all to You.

Lord, please, I really like her. If she's not the one, then take away these feelings. If she's not the one that will bring me closer to You, then let it not happen. But Lord, please, let that not be the case. God, I like her so much.

I don't want to hurt so much anymore. Just let it stop. Lord, please. Just... please. 

I will trust You.

Amen

The things that cannot be are always the saddest. Those things that are lost to time, those things that are lost to the past, those things that have no future-- the things that cannot ever be -- they are the saddest.

Life right now is changing so much. It's so very disorienting. For a long time, everything was calm. The waters were still and the waves docile. It's no longer that way any more. It's the first time, in a very long time, that I can feel an emotional upheaval beginning to hit shore. Life is changing so much. In its most delicate way, my calm waters are being shaken. And what will be left? 

I don't know. But I do know what cannot be.

The moments we have had together, all of us, they will be no more. Lost to time, lost in the past, there is no future for us.

What cannot be in the past. We had a lot of fun. So much fun, and I thank God for that. I thank God that I met all of you. Still, it is so very sad. 

"We will probably never get this group of people together again, and even if we do the situation will never be the same. The circumstances will be different and this moment in time can never be repeated."

How true those words were. 

Still, there is a silver lining... but maybe that's for another post. 

Right now, I'm just going to let myself sink in this sadness, because the things that cannot be are always the saddest. 

What cannot be. 

 

When I was in high school, my friend Andre and I always talked about looks.

We talked about how looks shouldn't matter and how looks didn't matter to us. To be honest, we were a little naive.

We reasoned that outward appearance made up so little of who a person is. I still believe this to be true. I won't deny that the outward appearance of a person can tell you many things about them. Their style can give hints about what music they like, or maybe what they like to do for fun. Yet, even on a good day, the assumptions we make about people based on appearance are still only assumptions. Unless a person has printed on their shirt "I like _____", can you really be sure that that person likes _____?

"Don't judge a book by it's cover." 

Right?

The only way you'll know if you like a book is to read it. Sure, the cover may tell you a few things about it, maybe its genre or its general theme, but you can only assume so much. People are like that. When it comes down to it, almost all the substance of a person is in their personality or, in the case of this analogy, in the words written behind the cover. 

This is what Andre and I believed. We wanted looks to not to matter, especially when it came to people we liked. If the real substance of a person came from their personality, then why should looks even matter? Looks fade, and beauty is not forever. So we tried our best. 

And try we did.

But... we failed. Looks mattered, and we figured that out too. 

Still, why should they matter?

Sexual attraction is the most common answer given.

"Well, I have to be attracted to the person to even like them."

Let's say then that you found your soul mate. The person you were supposed to be with. They looked exactly how you wanted him or her to look like and their personality was great to top it all off. You dated. You got married. And were a young, lovely couple. Your love was strong and you knew that this person truly was the perfect person for you.

Then let's say something tragic happened to your soul mate. Somehow they were disfigured beyond recognition. Would that love disappear along with your soul mate's face? I think not. If your love were true, then looks wouldn't even matter at this point. If your love were as strong as you believed it to be just a few moments ago, then looks wouldn't even matter. 

So, why should looks even matter when you first met this person? The reason you truly love this person is because of their personality. If this person wasn't exactly how you wanted him or her to look like, but they still had the same great personality, would you have still dated your soul mate? Would you have still married this seemingly perfect person, looks notwithstanding? Would you have missed out on the love of you life because of something as inconsequential as looks? 

Some of the people I know are so into looks, I could confidently say that they probably wouldn't have dated their soul mate if they didn't look a certain way. Even if their soul mate had the perfect personality for them, it wouldn't matter. Looks are that important to these people. In other words, their soul mate has to look a certain way.

I won't lie though. Looks are important. No matter how much I want to deny it, at some point I resigned myself to the simple fact that looks do matter. Maybe less so than other people, but looks still mattered to me. And I hated it. I absolutely hated it.

I hated that I could be shallow, or that I could discriminate based on something as stupid the shape of a nose, or the size of a bust, or the girth of a butt. I may have cared less than other people, but I still cared. I was shallow. 

For years, I lost the ideals of my youth. The conversations I had with Andre faded, and we both forgot about our naivety. The depth was gone, and I only got shallower. It was hopeless. Looks would always matter to everyone. They are so integral in our society. 

But one day it changed back. To make a long story short:

I met a girl. She was cute, but definitely was not my type. I kinda just blew her off. 

Then she came up to me after church and said hello. We talked for a moment. And things changed a little bit. 

Then she came up to me again, and we talked again.

And again.

And again.

And then I liked her. I liked her so deeply that I didn't know what to do myself. 

For the longest time, I didn't get to know anyone in that gradual kind of way because I would only talk to girls who fit my type. If they didn't look a certain way, I wouldn't even consider it a possibility. If they weren't korean. It they were dressed a certain way. If they didn't dress a certain way. If they heels were too high. Their eyebrows too thin. blah blah blah

This girl didn't fit any of it, but I came to like her so much. It reminded me of the past when looks were not a limiting factor. It was okay to think people were pretty, but to use looks as a way to screen potential partners... it just was wrong. How many people had I dismissed before even getting to know them? Had I unknowingly dismissed my soul mate because she didn't look a certain way?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Maybe I wasn't too late. Maybe this girl was the one.

I'm still not sure if she is or not. But I am sure of one thing. She gave me hope that I could like someone without being infatuated with her looks first. I could learn to like someone for who they were, and along with that, see them in a different light. A light that showed me that this person was a beautiful individual on the inside an out, even if I couldn't see their outward beauty initially. 

All in all, she gave me a the hope that I could return to the days when looks didn't matter.

The days when I didn't dismiss a book because of its cover but read the words contained inside instead. 

Now its come full circle. I know some people who have already resigned themselves to being shallow. They believe it to be a way of life, a law of a world. I don't know if that's true or not, and I'm not going to try and dispute it, but for me, I want it to be different. 

I want to live my life without this filter for beauty. I don't want to care about looks.

I want to be able to confidently say to the one I love that, 

"I don't care.

I don't care what color your eyes are or what shade of hair you have. I don't care how tall you are, how short you are, if your nose is pointy or if your nose is flat. I don't care if your hair is straight or curly, if you part it in the middle or to the side. I don't care.

I don't care if your teeth aren't blindingly white or if your shoes aren't sparkling new. I don't care if you have one of those rolling backpacks and not one from JanSport.  I don't care if you wear stuff you bought from Ross and not Ambercombie and Fitch. I don't even care if only wear Ambercombie and Fitch! Seriously, I don't care!

I don't care if your complexion is dark, light or any mix in between. I don't care if you have an accent, or if you spell Mom, Mum, or say out, oot. I don't care if your family is yellow, black, white, green, purple, whatever!  Just listen to me.

I. DON'T. CARE.

But let me tell you about the things I do care about.

I care about what's in that head of yours. I care about your thoughts about life and love. I care about your ideas about God and religion. I care about what you think about trying new things. I care about what you think about everything.  Do you understand? That's what I care about.

I care about what’s in that heart of yours. I care about how you feel about your family. I care about how you feel about your friends. I care about how you feel about the future. I care about how you feel about yourself. I care about how you feel about me.  That's what I care about.

I care about the you that nobody sees. I care about the you that's underneath all the clutter of appearance.  I care about the you on the inside and not the you on the outside.

I care about you.

 

I just care about you."