지금 이순간 시간이 멈춰버리거나, 잠든 이후부터 더이상의 현실은 없다거나 , 당연히 이 양가지가 불가능하다면, 하다못해 펑펑 울음이라도 난다거나, 무엇이 날 이토록 메마르게 만들었나. 

I can't sleep regularly anymore. 

It's getting really stupid. I wake up at 8 in the morning, and go to sleep at 4 am in the morning. 

It won't stop. It's really frustrating. 

These late nights give me too much time to think, and whenever I think to much, I get sad. 

I also lost my capo. That's sad. 

So, school began for me last Monday, and it started inauspiciously enough. I saw my friends, I saw my co-workers, and I met a few new faces. I also met this really cute girl. She was really, really cute. Like the kind of cute that makes you want to ride a rainbow or something. I don't know, she was just super, super cute. I talked to her, and we really hit it off. It went on like this for a few days, and I really was super happy.

Then I met her boyfriend. Maybe my mind was just making up things, but she seemed reluctant to introduce him, but she introduced him nonetheless. With an awkward glance at her, I shook his hand. And that was it. I hopped on my skateboard and got the heck outta there. 

Why she failed to mention the fact she had a boyfriend within the week we knew each other is beyond me, but she never once gave a hint that she had a boyfriend. We ate lunch together for the past few days, alone I might add, talked on the phone a few nights in a row, and she even went to premier with me. Where was this boyfriend then? 

I have no clue. 

Led me along like a dog on leash. Dang girl.

Anyway, this is my schedule this semester (my 7th one so far!):

BIO 301 - Fossil Records

BIO 304 - Genetics

CHEM 474 - Biochemistry I

WMST 113 - Woman's Studies

Pretty easy load this time around

If I could have one memory to remember, it would be a simple one. 

It's crowded, and the noise of the people puts blinders on all my senses. My hearing dims, and my heart slows. I can't feel anything. 

The warm night feels like nothing. It's warmth escapes me. A breeze rolls past, and for a moment, I feel something. 

Yet, my vision is tunneled on absolutely nothing, and I couldn't care less. Even if I cared, it wouldn't matter. This warmth is absolutely meaningless.

I walk through the crowd trying to regain my senses. I've had enough of this night. I've had enough of it all. My feet hurt, and my legs don't want to bring me further. 

Still, I look around. I look for something. Something... I don't know. Something from a long time ago. I look for it...

And for a moment, I see you.

And just for a moment, you see me.

No, this isn't love at first sight. It isn't something as childish as that. 

As for what it is, I don't really know. Yet, in that moment, it all happens. Nothing is ever the same.

You know it, and I know it. 

It's so... very simple. 

A future is seen. A vision is had. Everything is in it. 

But nothing is done in that moment.

Because I can feel the hardness of the keys on my fingers as it all comes back. A memory to remember is a fantasy. 

And I'm only a dreamer not a realist. Still, even if I was the opposite, this dream... requires two realists. 

Because a dreamer dreaming unto a dreamer is just a tragedy.

And this is a tragedy.

Am I that bad? Do I have no redeeming qualities? I don't think I'm the SHIT or anything, but I know I'm better than him. Screw that shit.

I don't get it. I just don't get it anymore. There must be something seriously wrong with who I am. Is it my personality? Is it my looks? because if HE can get YOU then something must be wrong. Am I just being a sore loser? 

Whatever. I don't get it anymore. 

I'll just stay alone forever.

fucking shit

I'm tired of my hair. 

So I'm shaving my head tomorrow.

Last night, I went to my best friend's birthday party only to encounter one of my exes. 

Maybe it's because I haven't seen her in three years, but I felt really apprehensive about the whole thing. I don't talk to any of my exes on a regular basis, and once I break up with a girl, or visa versa, I don't intend to ever see that person ever again. Unless it's by chance or I can't help it, I rather not see any of my exes. Does that mean I'm still affected by the past? I won't lie and say that seeing this particular ex didn't shake me up a bit, but all in all it was a nice meeting. We hung around with a few friends for a whole night, and we talked a bit. It was nice. No malice or bitterness. That's to be expected after three years. I'm just bothered by the fact that I'm so affected by just seeing her. 

I don't like her. I definitely don't love her anymore, but I do feel a slight twinge of hurt when I think about her. Seeing her must have stirred up some old emotions long buried, and, to be honest, that doesn't bother me at all. What irks me the most is that I even have those emotions to begin with.

I have no desire to be with her ever again, so why do I feel this painful regret? I know the answer to that question, but I won't write the answer here. I won't write it anywhere. I've made my mistakes, but so did she. 

In the end, it doesn't really matter. Because I won't see her again, and I'll continue doing what I'm doing. Just looking for one more. 

Because all I need is one more.

A lot has happened over the last few weeks. 

It was my birthday August 4th! I'm 21 which means I can drink freely! But I probably won't be doing much of that anyway. 

Went to Cali for my birthday, then went again the next weekend to spend time with some family. I finally got my beach wish too! We went both times actually, to Laguna and then Huntington. I'm really, really dark now. Ah, we also went to the OC fair! I won a keroppi stuffed doll. :]

Here are some pics my friend Shiela took while we were there.

niko niko sushi in Santa Ana ~ Costa Mesa

The Orange County Fair

Laguna Beach

Huntington Beach

the fambam

I had a great time!

I can't believe I'm 21. Geez. I'm getting old.

Xanga is like the perfect girlfriend.

She doesn't get angry when I don't talk to her for long periods of time.

She patiently waits for me to come back, because she knows I really do love her. <3

She listens to all the emo crap I have to say, and she doesn't complain about how frickin' emotional I get sometimes. 

I've even broken up with her multiple times only to come running back. 

Sure, the xanga names may have changed over the past nine years, but she is still the same.

Kamadaki, HiroBoi, SoySauceGod, and now Tetsunosuke. 

Different names, yet all the same.

Xanga has always been there for me. 

Xanga, I love you.

If you were a girl and not a website, I'd totally go steady with you. 

It's 2AM so I'm going to make this brief.

There was a birthday today (a friend's), and we celebrated it here:

I ate this (sugar coma inducing) lovely dessert:

It was lots of fun. Happy birthday Juanita!!!