Yesterday, I went hiking with the usual crew at Red Rock. I was also able to finally take my camera out on a hike and snap a few pictures. I've been on a lot of hikes, and one of the things I've always wanted to do is share the beauty of whatever hike we're on with those who couldn't join us that day. And I think I was finally able to do that yesterday. It's not a perfect picture, but I really think it captures what we saw that day. 

With the sun setting, I felt a sense of renewal. A lot has happened in the last two months, and now it seems like everything is settling down again. Life will be a bit different from now on but that's a good thing. Change is good sometimes. 

Anyways, it was an awesome hike, and I hope we'll be able to go on a lot more in the future. 

I'm going on five years since I last was a high schooler. That's really freaky to think about. Really, really freaky. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday I was 18 years old, throwing caution to the wind, using indiscretion like it was going out of style and just being all around obnoxious. Those were really great times, and even though my mind is probably over-romanticizing the past like it usually does, there is one thing that is crystal clear.

Back in high school, I had so many friends. I was in a program called IB. It was a pretty small group to begin with and there were maybe less than 80 kids by senior year. The thing is, I knew every single one of those people. First names, last names, general likes and dislikes, tendencies and vibes. We were all friends. Even with the stress of IB bearing down on us, we were still able to have so much fun. And maybe it was because of that stress we were able to grow closer to each other. 

I don't know... high school just seemed more conducive to a certain type of friendship. It's hard to explain. I remember logging into aim, and just chatting with maybe 8 or more people at once. I remember having a list of about a dozen friends I could just call up on the phone and have nice long conversation with.

College changed something. That list is probably down to 3 now, and no one uses aim or really chats anymore. Maybe facebook chat... but I never really used that like I did aim. It just seems like my circle of friends has gotten smaller and smaller throughout the years. This is in some part due to choice but not all of it. Some people I purposely isolated and others just disappeared. In the beginning of college I knew so many people, but then I decided to leave the world. I had my best friends, and I didn't need more. 

In a lot of ways, that was a good thing. I had a lot more time for me, which I had been sorely missing, and I was able to focus a bit more on school and God. But the cons were evident as well. I may have kept my best friends, but that was it. Now, I spend most of my days going to school, to work and to sleep. It's a weird existence. 

I'm starting to ramble now so I'll stop here. 

I guess I just wanted to say that I miss high school. All the friends, all the conversations, and all the stupidness. 

I miss being able to share my life with so many wonderful people at once. 

Yeah, I miss that the most. 

I'm sorry.

I should have never started something I knew I could never finish. You have always been there for me, and this time I wanted to be there for you. I truly wanted this to work out. 

But I can't.

I'm sorry.

I thought I liked you. I wanted to like you so, so much. But I couldn't. Maybe that's why I've been single for so long. I'm just not made to be in a relationship. 

No, that's not entirely it... I tried to do this my way, not God's. After everything that happened with Lea, I got tired of waiting. My patience was gone, and I decided to take things into my own hands. I wanted a girlfriend for so long, but I always stopped myself. Even if I liked someone and someone liked me, I always measured it by Your standard. 

Did she love God? How was her spiritual walk with You? Were we equally yoked?

All the times I liked someone, I believe You foiled my plans because You knew it wouldn't be the best for me. That girl wouldn't bring me closer to You.

But I got tried of it. 

I wanted a girlfriend. I wanted someone. I was tired of waiting on Your time. 

All in God's time. Right?

Well, I got impatient.

And this is what I get for my impatience. I not only messed myself up, I messed you up. I broke both of our hearts because of my indiscretion. 

I'm sorry. 

Forgive me Bell.

Forgive me God.

I'm sorry. I hope you find a guy better than me. Really, I hope you find someone who can make you the happiest girl in the world. 

You are the nicest girl I know. When you said you'd always like me. When you said you'd wait no matter the amount of time.

It all broke my heart. 

Bell, I'm so, so sorry. 

God, I'm so, so sorry.

Now I know that my way isn't the right way. It was never the right way. 

It's all in Your time. And now, I will have complete faith in it. 

I'll wait for you. 

Db

I got a girlfriend. 

Then for the first time in life, I broke up with someone. Seeing it from the other side, it's honestly so much more easier to be broken up with than the other way around.

Anyways, it's a long story.

This time around it's a little different. So many things have been happening. I've haven't been updating recently for two reasons.

Reason one: I don't even know where to start.

Reason two: I'm a little ashamed. 

Of what, you ask? Well, that'll remain unsaid for now, but maybe this will all turn out for the better. I just don't know at the moment. This could all be a monumental mistake, or it could be the start of something... amazing. I still don't know. 

With school starting tomorrow though, it feels as if life is beginning again. Let me put it this way-- school = real life, summer = a dream. 

Summer has always been a sort of pause from everything real. And in real, I mean adult. As the end of my college career comes careening toward me, real life just begins to get more and more scary. 

So, real life begins tomorrow, and this summer will be just another dream. It was a nice dream though, but it was the realest one I've had so far. This summer has had more realness to it than the usual dreamlike quality it's had in the past. 

D, G, and George left. 

Jeff got engaged! (that's for another blogpost)

I had a summer like.

And I was kicked to the curb.

My post-collegiate career became blurry again as well as my relationship with God.

In summers past, the dreams were so much more fluffy. Hanging out every night, so many friends coming home from out of town-- not leaving --and just the atmosphere of it all... it really was like a dream. 

Maybe next summer won't be a dream at all, but maybe by then I'll be okay with that. 

School starts in less than 12 hours. I better go to bed soon. 

For some reason, the transition from 21 to 22 was a big one. 

There's something inherently young about 21 and somethiung inherently old about 22. 

At 21 you can finally drink, party, go to clubs, etc. without worrying about fake id's or getting caught by the cops or whatever. It all feels young, if that makes any sense, but once I turned 22 it all felt old. I've never been to a club, I've probably drunk alcohol a total of six times and I don't party at all. I guess I'm pretty straightedge. In any case, when you tell people you're 21 it brings about connotations of youth. 21 is a big milestone, that's for sure. 22 though... it just seems like the beginning of getting old. I mean, what other things are there to look forward to after 21? 

13 was cool because you're finally a teenager.

16 was cool because you finally could drive.

18 was cool because you could go the strip club and you were finally an "adult" (and buy cigarettes, but that's not cool at all).

and 21 was cool because of the drinking, clubbing stuff.

Then... what? I guess you can rent a car cheaper at 25, but big whoop right? 

So with the age 22, I felt a shift from young to old. From, "Whoa, you're 21! You can party and drink!" to "Oh, you're 22! You're old."

Does that make sense? It does to me. lol

But yeah, my 22nd birthday was okay. It started out like poo poo but ended nicely. 

I'm kinda lazy to recount the whole thing so I'm just going to do a good stuff list and a bad stuff list.

Bad stuff:

- she never texted back

- people kept singing happy birthday to me (it's nice and all but it stresses me out!)

- people kept asking me what I wanted to do later in the night when I didn't feel like doing anything

- the sushi restaurant we ended up going to sucked. But my friends like it so I guess it was alright 

Good junk:

- it was my birthday! duhh

- church was the same day, so yay!

- hearing Gilbert's testimony was really inspiring (lesson learned: be patient)

- I love my friends and family

- I got money 

- had some powerful prayer with Jeff at the end of the night

I also learned another important lesson. Never like a girl during your birthday. You'll either be really happy, or really sad.

I experienced the latter, but yeah, lesson learned! 

In the end, it was a birthday that started out bad but ended up good. On my list of best birthdays it'd probably be... next to last. But hey, it was still good. Just not as good as the others.

yo

"Why is this song in a minor key?"

Because God is not only in joy but in sadness. 

---

I started writing a long blog entry about how I met her and everything that happened, but I ended up erasing it. Even if I was able to write it all down perfectly, I don't think the message would get across. 

Let me just put it simply.

This past month and half has been crazy. 

I like you Lea, so much.

I prayed about it, so much.

I asked God in a way I haven't asked God for anything. 

What I prayed didn't just span the time of a month and a half, but years prior. It was a prayer that I kept as a child, hid as a teenager, and continue to put faith in as an adult.

For a second, I thought my prayers were finally being answered. For a brief moment in time, I thought the search was over. 

I don't think that's the case though. 

Lea, I like you.

Lea, I prayed. 

But you don't like me? I'm pretty sure of it now. Yes, you don't like me.

You don't need to say it. Sometimes you don't need to say it.

Where am I going with this dumb blog entry? Keep it simple. Simple.

I can't keep dragging myself along like this. I'm sorry God, but after another failure my faith is wavering. 

I'll tell you I like you and end this story. 

For I already know the words at the end of the story.

"I'm sorry, Jo. I don't like you."

The end.

And then she said the most insightful thing she's probably ever said to me.

"Jo, who else is there to wait for? Is there anyone better? No, right? Then it's simple. Wait."

She was right. There was no one better. But that sounds kinda wrong. Let me put it this way-- I haven't met someone as good as her in my entire life. I'm not exaggerating or over romanticizing her or anything like that. In all truth, I haven't met anyone, in my 22 years of life, better than her. She's just so... awesome.

If there was someone better, right here, right now, would I pursue it?

Maybe.

If she doesn't like me, then I'm not going to be so foolish as to let another opportunity pass me by, but I now know what I'm looking for in a girl. 

A girl who loves God. A girl who wants to glorify God. A girl who wants to glorify God together in a way we couldn't alone.

That's it.

Sure there are other things as well, but those are the only things that really matter.

And I haven't met anyone yet, other than you Lea, that fits all those things. The only thing missing is on your side. If you don't like me, that's okay. Really, that's okay. But until I meet another girl who fits those things, what else can I do?

You're the best gal I'ver ever met.

It's simple then.

I'll wait a bit longer.

I turned 22 yesterday.

It was a good birthday. 

I stared hard.

At nothing.

This morning, I decided to give up. That was a good month of trying.

I got to talk with her again, sooner than I expected, but it just wasn't there.

"What is love, if not from both sides? What is love, if not reciprocated?"

A tragedy.

I don't love her. I really like her, and maybe it could've become something more.

But it ends here.

One more step. I could feel the drop below my feet. If I took one more step, I would truly fall... and hit the ground very hard. Before that happened, I decided to walk away and give up. 

I'm not going to do this to myself. Not now. 

Lea, I'm giving up on you. I tried. I prayed. Oh, did I pray. But even though it's on my side, I don't think there's anything on yours.

I don't think you like me. 

I don't need to hear it.

I don't need you to say it.

I just know. I know.

It was fun. This month has been a lot of fun. 

I can't wait 'til the end of the summer. Sorry.

I don't think it would've mattered to you anyway.

Because I don't think... you like me.